and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
