finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
