just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
