Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
