3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
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