I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Sober January is a disaster.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
