took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
