sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
