I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
our cab driver is having phone sex.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
