new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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