I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
