It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
