It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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