She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You need a sexual gate keeper
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
