hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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