Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
