I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
