made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
