I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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