so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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