The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
ttyl tear gas
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
