woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
