Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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