I wish my penis had an off switch
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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