I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
