was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
