Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Can you bring me the toilet please
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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