Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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