I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
