This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
