Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
