my phone needs a breathalizer
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
