worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
