By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
