put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
