Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
