chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I smell stomach acid.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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