Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
