guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
