Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
