First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
