I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
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