can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Randomize
