My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
