Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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