i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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