You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
