Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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