I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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