Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
