True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
